Contributing writer Dickson Igwe

Contributing writer Dickson Igwe

WELL SIR! The story is on the highways and byways: JUICY GOSSIP rising out of WHOREHOUSES, and OUTHOUSES; STRIP JOINTS and RUM SHOPS, not to forget METE at the SUNDAY MORNING WELL.

 Add chit chat in offices, bars, restaurants, and churches, from these Lesser Antilles. Things are HEATING UP in the political jungle. It is being said that the OLD KING of Virgin Islands politics, that aging but powerful WARRIOR called KING KONG, is ready at last to take his final gallop into the sunset, on his powerful steed.

The stories being whispered, quietly spoken, even loudly stated, in hamlets, villages, and small towns of this tiny paradise; the reggae beats, calypso tunes, and fungi medleys being played and sung in valleys, hills, bays, and beaches, is that the BIG CHEESE is at last willing to buckle tightly his golden parachute, and drop out of politics into a BLISSFUL RETIREMENT. RUMOUR or not, it makes ears tingle.

He is a wise King indeed, it would appear. But knowing this tough, formidable, and enigmatic man, there will be more than meets the eye to any decision he makes. His shadow in the succession process will be long and lasting. The King may well decide the outcome of who replaces him, notwithstanding what the formalities dictate.

In any event, a world cruise, on board the ocean liner, THE HMS IMPERIAL beckons. This will entail four weeks skimming a massive Atlantic from New York to The Spanish Coast, and the Strait of Gibraltar. Then a romantic fortnight sailing the historic Mediterranean, sipping choice aperitifs on board; a rendition of the wine and cheese, and then dining generously, ostentatiously, and elegantly, as the majestic vessel cuts through the Seven Seas.

Picture the long time political heavyweight, gazing at the passing vistas of a choice panorama, the Ship’s Imperial Band playing for the one percent of the one percent to which the WEST INDIAN CHIEFTAIN clearly belongs; A ROLL CALL OF THE GREAT AND GOOD, THE BRILLIANT AND SMART, and THE DOWNRIGHT BAD AND WICKED.

The aging King will view spectacular aspects of the Algarve, the Balearics, the French Coast, the brilliant Italian coast, and the old and new Yugoslavia. And from an exquisite and enormously expansive deck of polished flooring and solid brass railing; all the while holding hands with his BEAUTIFUL DORA, while wealthy and very formally dressed couples waltz away on either side, under a majestic Mediterranean night sky. Yes, a truly black tie affair in travel waits.

KING KONG will set foot on the Canaries, Mallorca, the French Riviera, Marseille, and Monaco. He will sit at sea side cafes on the French Riviera, the Italian Riviera, and the Aegean. He will taste the delights of the Baltic, sip fine wines, and sample a juicy grape placed into his palate by DORA, his LOVELY MADAM, always at his side.

Afterwards, a slow foray through the Levant and Suez Canal followed by 8 weeks sailing the vast waters of the Indian and Pacific Oceans: Mumbai, Hong Kong, Manila, Sydney, Micronesia, Honolulu, Tokyo, and then Anchorage Alaska, before skirting the Pacific coastline of the Americas, and threading through Latin America and the Panama, back to the Atlantic once more.

And while luxuriating on board, the powerful and wealthy KING, in constant recline, on a thickly cushioned armchair, in a sumptuous lounge of the magnificent vessel: waiters, waitresses, and masseuses, hover around his personage. A battalion of service personnel shall look after his every need, while the Aging West Indian Statesman pens an autobiography that will certainly become a veritable Virgin Islands history. Yes, retirement at this time is wholly appropriate YOUR MAJESTY: good for the KING’S health, and the future of his beloved country.

A Council of Elders beckons.  Motley of the country’s wisest and most distinguished, on which KING KONG should sit as ELDER STATESMAN IN CHIEF.

Meanwhile one can hear the sharpening of swords around the land: the clanging of lance and shield. The brigades of battle are being made ready: the grunts of warhorses, the pounding of hooves. The doors of the armoury have once more been pried open. A bloody conflict is about to begin. The jockeying for King Kong’s seat of formidable power has begun.

DR. THE HONORABLE ROBERT MUGABE is said to be taking his push up level to the one hundred mark. His body is toned and hardened for duel. He is sharpening his sword: readying his steed for war. His helmet, shield, breastplate, and body armour fit him perfectly.  His troops are among the most ruthless in these peaceful Virgin Islands. They already smell blood. He has the advantage; or so it appears.

Mugabe is not loved, but this can be fixed. His opponents on the other hand possess bigger handicaps. MR SEXY has made statements that he is unsure whether the Mohawks in the organization will accept him as leader; while the HUMMER has done wrong, to too many. That leaves MUGABE, a very Powerful Warrior who does not take prisoners, as the best option for the POWERFUL POLITICAL FIRM.

Robin Hood. Photo courtesy

Robin Hood. Photo courtesy

In this VILLAGE SQUARE TINKA’s opinion: the APACHEES should RALLY around MUGABE, help the TOUGH NUT soften his image, and build a NATIONAL PROFILE. That is the only hope for the FIRM in 2015.

Mr. NICE GUY is another veritable prince of his domain; he has already started his charm offensive with that winning smile. This guy is cool and sexy. But many in his camp still do not trust him. Why? That is a sixty thousand dollar question.

Now the Virgin Islands’ very own BILLY BUNTER is a formidable beast: the local ROBIN HOOD. He is a youthful and handsome politician, on the large side. But anyone underestimating this man is making a tragic mistake. Strong as an ox, he is as fit as a fiddle. This Observer has witnessed him play aggressive basketball for two hours nonstop without dropping.

The other competitors in the veritable duel were all smashed after the affair, not BILLY BUNTER. Without sweat, he glided his massive, and BULL LIKE frame into his gigantic SUV after the game, and drove away, as if he had just been a spectator. What a man.   It is said he can amble up the steepest hills and mountains, without even gasping for breath, not in the slightest, all 400 pounds of him. Yes this guy will certainly cut it in the blood sport called politics. He is the SUMO WARRIOR of Virgin Islands politics.

OK. BILLY BUNTER is the PRINCE of the most cherished domain in the land. Like in the good old days of feudal politics, his district is like some type of personal inheritance. He is not really representative at all. More like the OWNER OF ALL HE SURVEYS. He practices an economics termed REVERSE OF REVERSE ROBIN HOOD, and when he was running the country, this concept saw him and his band of MERRY MEN feast like kings.

ROBIN OF THE BVI is already calling his band of men together, including an equally wealthy HENCHMAN, his HEAD HONCHO, and another powerful warrior with an ancient insignia TATOOED on to his rock hard posterior. ROBIN HOOD has sensed that he will have to give it his all to have any hope of ascending to the most powerful political office in the organization.

He it was who began the succession process by making interesting but highly charged utterances. But his schemes, contrivances, and connivances caused him to step on some very powerful toes in past years. The question for him is whether the PARTY MOHAWKS will forgive him. He will understand only too well that politicians have long memories. They are not a very forgiving bunch.

Yes, power was promised him by the powers that be some time back, but CERTAIN EVENTS, add UNHOLY ALLIANCES, have gotten in the way of easy promotion: AWESOME! It is a good thing this war is beginning early. There will be a lot of bloodletting. Many heads will roll: political succession is not a game for the feint hearted. The Opposition and its Congress will be wise to get over this succession, and well before 2015.

Cookie Monster. Photo courtesy

Cookie Monster. Photo courtesy

Now, the MOST ROYAL HELEN of TROY, a veritable KINGMAKER IN CHIEF, is weighing her options carefully before she gives her indispensable support to one WARRIOR or the other. This woman does nothing that doesn’t impact the political atmosphere of these Lesser Antilles. Already the QUEEN has thrown some political hand grenades in the air. Helen has got the country confused about which side of the fence she sits following some astonishing remarks,  only heaven knows who will get hit by the blast when these bombs come crashing down. Run for cover people! Watch Helen closely, and one will get an idea of who will take the sword of power from King Kong.

That PRIZE FIGHTER, KING SEWAGE, another kingmaker, also knows by now where the firm leans with regard to who the next KING KONG will be. Watch this powerful STOOL MERCHANT: there is a spring in his step these days, he smells blood.

OK. It is vital the COWBOYS and INDIANS behind the OPPOSITION MOVEMENT get it right in choosing a good leader. Why? Because on the other side of the great divide called Virgin Islands politics, the Leader is a suave, charismatic, and highly sociable animal, of the highest caliber: a cool customer, brilliant mind, and a master strategist with crucial HIGH SOCIETY credentials. He is known as the BIG ENCHELADA.

And he is backed by a political machine of seasoned toughs, second to none: a charismatic and handsome powerhouse of Virgin Islands and Cuban extraction, and master of the ‘’DONE DEAL.’’ Add to the mix a super smooth restaurateur and formidable operator with a tongue of gold. Then there is a very powerful concrete merchant and commercial property magnate: this is a lion of a man, known for his neck breaking, arm twisting, and knuckle cracking capacity.

Last but certainly not the least is a supermarket tycoon, possessing extraordinary skill with the battleaxe and hatchet: a guy that thrives on danger, raw energy, and action: A CARROT JUICE MERCHANT also known as the LOCAL KING OF PEPSI.

Then add to the powerful mix, a back bench of gifted and talented senators, all of whom could easily ascend into ministerial office.   Any expert Observer from POLITICS INC would easily assess that this HONORABLE SURGEON, and his band of merry men and women, will easily walk into another four years of power, save some stupid move, for which human beings appear to possess an infinite capacity.

One thing that is certain is this one: the man whom KING KONG names as his chosen successor will have a powerful advantage in this bloodiest of succession fights.

And have you heard: it is the latest song on the luscious Hills of Bell Vue: the COOKIE MONSTER is planning a major COMEBACK:  THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR BEAST. If that is true, then one can only shudder, and then state these five words: GOD SAVE THESE BEAUTIFUL VIRGIN ISLANDS!

 To be continued 

Tales of the Virgin Islands are a compendium of short stories on the modern West Indies