Contributing writer Dickson Igwe

Contributing writer Dickson Igwe

Now your Wannabe Admiral Horatio Nelson is dumbstruck. The anger of a cross section of the Virgin Islands public appears to have reached boiling point: it has gone NUCLEAR. And it is a very palpable epiphany indeed. Many a Virgin Islander today ambles about seething, filled with wrath; the smoke of Hades visibly coming out, from nostrils, ears, and other places unmentionable. Why?

Well, a little local difficulty of a PALATIAL OFFICE BLOCK erected a wee bit too close to a national highway is giving some voters sleepless nights: palpitations; or so it would appear. Many are seeing red. Others he meets in his travels of Road Town and beyond appear to be on the verge of an irrational rampage. So much so that even a much derided TV talk show host appears to be on the verge of national rehabilitation, popular redemption, a COME BACK KID so to speak, his having taken the popular position on the issue.

To everyone, this imaginary fleet commander says: stop the fuss, stay cool, sip a not too Virgin Colada; it will soothe the nerves. Mind you, the powers that be are now going to have to put SPEED BUMPS in the vicinity of that spanking new edifice to avoid a much dreaded pileup.   What a thing!

Now, this Political Observer is not even a bit upset about this paradigm in local planning and the circumvention thereof. Not in the least. After all, politicians will be politicians. Saying no to certain individuals is certainly not an option for the politician who wants a quiet life.

The politician’s mainstay is his adeptness at the art of networking. And in that game there is a pecking order of who gets the ear of the BIG ENCHELADA.  The fatter the wallet, greater the connections, and louder the voice, the swifter that call gets answered, and attended to; albeit, HENRY KISSUP is also a grand contender for that all powerful ear. That is the simple reality of political life. MONEY AND POWER TALK! Add persistence! It is the same the world over.

A call at midnight, from one of the high and mighty, is enough to upset the digestion. But a call asking the receiver to commit POLITICAL SUICIDE is enough to give one a bout of diarrhea. But it happens only too often in the political arena. All votes are equal: but it appears that some votes are more equal than others.

Now, the Powerful Politician, who had to dispense with planning formalities in this episode, probably did not get a good night’s sleep in the past few months, no not at all. Not until he relented to the formidable power, and legendary arm twisting of HELEN OF TROY. The National Leader is renowned for possessing great cool and panache, with a dancing ability that would send Fred Astaire into a terrible fright. A graying and handsome sixty something, he is the very epitome of Virgin Islands genteel.

And one can bet one’s life today, that despite the outcry by many, and the threats stated by some that come the next General election they will render swift justice, this most powerful of politicians is only too happy to at last get a good night’s rest.  He will not be bothered, neither perturbed, not in the least.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe. Phioto courtesy

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe. Phioto courtesy

Leave the GREAT MAN alone: he is only human after all. A late night call, when one is savouring the splendor of an Antillean full moon on a starry night, while on one’s porch, and with one’s delectable FIRST LADY by one’s side, especially from the notorious and MOST ROYAL, HELEN of TROY, must be every politician’s nightmare.

Now, Helen of Troy is the VIRGIN ISLANDS NATIONAL MARCHIONESS: a regal, formidable, wealthy, and incorrigible woman, with a deviousness that would shame the most resourceful spy. She is a powerful battleship on two legs and feet, with great political clout. When Helen shouts JUMP, a sizeable percentage of the country’s population respond: HOW HIGH YOUR HIGHNESS!

Now, this quintessential eavesdropper was invited to a major political bash by a political maverick and tough guy of Her Majesty’s Opposition: another political powerhouse. And in this Eternal Watcher’s opinion, this guy has the ruthlessness to rule the roost in these Antilles, given the chance.

But that is where his problem lies: will the people relent; forgive his past misdemeanors, his sins so to speak. And offer him the opportunity to sit on that hallowed seat of power and prestige up in that top floor suite of sumptuous offices at the Admin Complex? In other words: to park his behind on that mighty blue armchair, while scores of personnel run around kissing his rear end. That is the ten million dollar question.

Drinking and eating at the venue, Yours Truly schmoozed with some of the most beautiful damsels these eclectic West Indies have on offer. And he rubbed shoulders with powerful political chieftains, hacks and fixers, including one guy, a POWERFUL SEWAGE MERCHANT and KING of the nation’s STOOL HANDLERS and URINE SAMPLERS. This was a political bigwig, who appeared to have transformed his chubby body into the hardened physique of a veritable prize fighter. Behold, here was another formidable political tough guy, who was getting ready for WAR in 2015.

A well known businessman and POLITICAL MR FIXIT, who possessed colossal charm, scotched to a scampish smile and boyish grin, a cocktail that would render the knickers off even DELILAH the SENSUAL.

The Fungi band began a rendition of a very melodious tune. The Prize Fighter pulled a local beauty queen and began to amble vigorously, but rhythmically, holding her with awesome poise, while his legs performed a local polka. Suddenly, the music changed and the tempo became much more upbeat.

Mr. Political Fixit suddenly initiated a leg shuffle, spinning the damsel around like a top, keeping MY LADY from toppling over, but only just. His was a rendition that had the crowd excited and thrilled. His movements finally turned into an aggressive jig, as he began a jump up routine that appeared to be an African type tribal war dance. This big POLITICAL KINGMAKER’S eyes rolled dubiously as he moved aggressively to the beat on the concrete dance floor.

He looked at this Observer with an intensity that stated: ‘’my day is coming again. Better believe it Sir’’ He went on to proffer a blood curdling, and spine chilling growl, as he passed both his hands across his neck slowly and deliberately, one after the other, slitting his own throat with an imaginary knife. His eyes rolled in perverse delight, leaving only the whites. Amazingly this performance fit perfectly with his dance performance. Yes, this guy is clearly preparing himself for battle in 2015. The next General Election Campaign is not going to be a nice affair.

At this opposition event of the year, one was reminded of the great city of Chicago, but in the 1940s, during prohibition. The characters in attendance were the great and good, the not too great and good, and the downright bad and streetwise: this powerful politician host was certainly not a guy to mess with.

Now this Virgin Islands opposition party comprises 4 MUSKETEERS in the House of Assembly, including the aging leader, another formidable tough guy that in his heyday would have put PA PA DOC DUVALIER to shame. The OLD KING is at last succumbing to the onslaught of science and technology. A yacht moored at some pristine harbor, and a gold plaited rocking chair beckon. He is a very powerful and wealthy man; he could certainly afford a majestic retirement, a final retreat into that spectacular sunset for which these paradise islands are renowned, so to speak.

One wonders what political tonic he drinks. How could he in his golden years of life put up with all the chicanery and skullduggery of politics? He should say adieu and bow out gracefully! Yes, one can only wonder why this VERITABLE CARIBBEAN CHIEFTAIN, a well read historian and Oxford scholar, a political and economic encyclopedia on legs, with the memory of an elephant, doesn’t hang up his hat finally. Potter around his charming villa, surrounded by hundreds of rolling acres of prime and pristine land, and enjoy the rest of his days. They say power is an aphrodisiac: but this man makes power appear to be the very ELIXIR OF LIFE. It is time to put down the scepter YOUR MAJESTY. Give the crown to another, and pen your memoir.

Ok, at the colossal political bash, your Social Type ran into an opposition politician who possesses that most unique and rare of political traits: he is a genuinely very nice guy. Very likeable fellow! This politician gave a running rendition on the nuances and subtleties of the succession process. In other words there was no palatable solution.

So the opposition party possesses a frightful problem. All the opposition members of the house are qualified to lead the party. However, one appears to have committed a mite too many misdemeanors: a number of sins that may ring too fresh in the mind of Joe Public. This guy is a veritable PRINCE in his DOMAIN, and it is stated that even if an Ass with this guy’s name printed on it stood for election, it would be the first four legged creature to sit in the Virgin Islands Legislature. WOW!

Returning to the matter of who must succeed the KING KONG of Virgin Islands politics; and this wannabe political hack has the solution. With two contenders left, do what Tony Blair and Gordon Brown did in the UK. One leader heads the party and steps down after two years, and then takes the post of Deputy Leader, then the other after being second fiddle for 24 months, ascends to the highest political office in the party.

The same should happen were the party elected to power. So they do a deal, and stab the third in the back. That is all very normal in politics. This sounds logical, doesn’t it!  In any event, if this cabal of politicians doesn’t settle on a BOSS, swarm around a BIG ENCHELADA very soon, they will go into 2015 with both hands tied behind their backs, bending over with glee as their rear ends get kicked silly for four more years.

OK, DR the HONORABLE ROBERT MUGABE, to this Village Square Thinker, is the natural leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition. He possesses the steel in the spine, the thickness of skin required, the SUPREME VIM of a national leader. However, a local difficulty of a traffic light, and a water extraction company that may be looking for the fabled waterfall in the sky, has put him in the bad books of many a Jack and Jill Went up the proverbial Hill.

It will be comforting for this tough guy and political sharp shooter to learn that a day is a long time in politics. And two and three quarter years, an eternity. He will be forgiven by 2015. He must learn to be cuddlier however, and less abrasive: to hug and kiss a lot more. ‘Attend as many occasions as possible Honorable X: become accessible, visible, and above all, liked. Put as many friends into your account as possible: ‘one enemy is one too many.’

Yes, this brusque and bruising fellow has to become much more likeable: a very crucial asset in politics.  Machiavelli of Florence stated in the 1400s that it is better to be feared than loved. However, in this Observer’s view, both are crucial in the swordplay called politics. MUGABE HAS A LOT OF WORK TO DO TO BE LOVED.

But will MR TOUGHGUY, a high and mighty type, agree with that proposition of POWER SHARE after sitting on the seat of power for two years? To step down I mean! Only Heaven knows!  Go ask Robert Mugabe that question. He is still kicking stupid that proverbial ass called ZIMBABWE.

To be continued