Staff Writer – Carol Cato

‘There never was a more false premise than this!’ Because she is his wife, the husband owes her the highest courtesy he can pay. It’s not enough that men should not be bitter against their wives, although it’s a step in the right direction when;  instead of being bitter, the author urges that the husband’s words, actions and whole bearing should be characterized by gentleness and affectionateness.

Yet, there are many men who speak no bitter words, but at the same time have little kind, tender, words fall from their lips. The warmth of the newly wed husband dies out and his manner becomes cold and business-like. The absence of a fault or vice is not necessarily a virtue, his silence is better than bitterness, and coldness better than rudeness, but a garden without weeds, even if it has no plants or flowers in it, is better than a patch of weeds; but a garden beautiful and fragrant with flowers is better still.

My thoughts: Some of us rush into marriage because of our intense feelings towards our partner and we enjoy how they make us feel.  The relationship was initially based on feelings, and that is not to say you shouldn’t have these, but there has to be more than just strong feelings of desire. A relationship must have principles and values that can support the couple on bad days, this is harder to fix or apply once the marriage has taken place.

As a Christian we’re advised to marry someone within the yoke, it does not mean your partner has to go to the same church as you, but they should share the same belief and be born again. Couples should discuss their values and agree boundaries for their relationship which they both agree to uphold and which will guide them in times of doubt or trouble. While gentleness should always be the husband’s attitude towards his wife, there are occasions which call for particular thoughtfulness and sympathy.

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Usually when the wife is very weary, after enduring a difficult day, and where things have not gone smoothly at home or work. What is a husband’s part at such times? He should seek to lighten the burden, to quiet the trembling heart and to impart strength and peace. Every wife should be sure that her husband will understand her, that he will deal gently with her, that he will give his own strength to shelter her that he will impart of his own life to build up hers.

She should never have to doubt that he will sympathize with her in whatever it may be that troubles her. She should never have to fear repulse or coldness when she goes to him for support. What Christ is to His people in their weariness, their sorrow, their pain, every husband in his own measure should be to his own wife.

My thoughts: in Genesis 1:27 God made male and female, acknowledging that they are different.  My Pastor said that when people are courting they often talk about how alike they are, however, after they’re married they start seeing the differences between them. We must learn to understand the difference in our spouse and between men and women.

Women think emotionally and men say facts as they see it.  Men should listen twice to what his woman is saying, the second time is so that he can strip away the emotions and hear the facts.  A woman will talk to make herself feel better; she might not be looking for a solution, but just wanting her husband to listen to her and to acknowledge her when she talks.

A woman might sometimes complain that she does not feel loved and her husband will automatically get defensive and say things like, “I pay the mortgage”, “I put food on the table”, “I paid for your mother to go on holiday”. etc., “and you say I don’t love you”.  However, what the woman is really saying is that lately she is not receiving the attention she wants, perhaps a hug, she might want to be held or kissed when they are not in bed.

Men often think in compartments, when a  woman sees a gas bill she starts worrying about how they are going to pay it, she then may take the stress out on her kids then go to work and have a bad day.  When a man sees the gas bill, he acknowledges it needs to be paid then puts it in a compartment in his mind and carries on his daily life without worry or stress.

Generally, if a man has a problem he will go and talk to his friend, but before he does he’ll think about whether or not that friend can help him, if he can’t he’ll find someone else.  A woman on the other hand will generally talk to anyone about the problem, whether they can help or not. I recommend a book called Love Languages for people to read, particularly before marriage.

Pre-Marriage counselling is also a good idea; my Pastor said couples shy away from this because they associate counselling with a problem with their relationship, but wouldn’t you want the best help before you marry? Most churches provide counselling so to give a marriage the extra boost. I will continue next week My prayer is to ask God to help you better understand your spouse difference, and if you’re single to ask God to help you to prepare for the mate that He has coming your way. Amen