Staff Writer - Katrin Callender
The knocking against my ribcage is loud. I am certain it can be heard by those around me. A wheezing breath escapes my tightly clenched jaw. I pray with tears rolling down my cheeks. I am grateful for the darkness as I continue to weep, suffering in silence, angry and so afraid. I am amazed to have survived the incident. In the days that follow, I sleep little and I trust less. I complete the transition from optimism and innocence to cynicism and prejudice. And I find that I no longer have faith in myself. The reason is simple; I am the one who is confused.
Years ago, I received a rude awakening when an unknown menace held up a maxi- a means of transportation in Trinidad and Tobago- robbing the driver and passengers. I was no longer a stranger to crime, but one who had survived it. At the time, I did not want to be ungrateful; I believed then as I do now, that it was by the grace of God that I can write about it four years later. Yet I spent the days after the robbery angry at myself. I’d felt something the minute the maxi stopped to let them in. A voice in my heart had told me to get out at the next stop and it had been louder and stronger than the one in my head had ever been. But I’d mocked myself, arguing condescendingly that I would face worse evils standing alone on the street. It was not the first time that I’d second-guessed myself. I’ve done it a million times in exams and other times as well. This instance could have been the most costly though.
Don't ignore that gut feeling!
I credit this incident with changing my outlook and my attitude for the better. At the time my priorities were not what they should have been. Yet, it was perhaps the ugliest part of the ‘real world’ with which I have interacted and I continue to cope with its impact on my life. But I survived and I learned. In every flashback and nightmare, I reviewed the few minutes that changed me forever. The only thing that stands out to me as a critical error in judgment is that when it truly counted, I shushed my inner voice- my first line of protection- and I wound up regretting it.
Perhaps you are luckier than I and will never know crime first hand. And that makes me happy. Yet, you may have dismissed your inner voice when it told you not to date someone or not to take the usual route to work or not to put off calling a sick loved one. In the moment, these messages seem like a nuisance. And sometimes we are inclined to run from difficult situations in our lives. It is often a challenge to discern which is in operation at any given time. Yet we instinctively know. We MUST listen- the alternative can cause us unimaginable pain. When we train ourselves to identify and obey our inner voice we find that navigating this complex world is a lot more pleasant.
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