Ram Goat
Last time we looked at how I was embarrassed for no apparent reason when I tried to be nice to Angel, my secret love and Pamela her best friend. The thought that someone so beautiful and intelligent could be so callous and insensitive to another person made me sick. I was convinced, incorrectly it seems now on hindsight, that she was aware of my feelings for her but chose to be cavalier about it.
When I finally got to the table I was an emotional mess…I wasn’t sure what exactly to do or say. I suspected I looked a right state with tears running down my face for what Angel, Pamela and Stephan might have thought was a silly joke. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t intend to cry, that was totally out of my control but I did intend to treat the girls to a snack. But somehow they both turned out to be major faux pas. The snack the girls took graciously and recommenced laughing at me while Stephan hurled more insults at me for crying. As I did not have a vocal arsenal to represent myself I took leave of them very quickly.
I decided at that moment I wanted nothing more to do with Angel and Pamela as they were not inclined to change the way I felt about myself or help me to view life positively and with hope. As for Stephan I knew we were as likely to be friends as a cat would be a companion to a mouse!
For the next two weeks I focussed on my school work and my science project. I spent a lot of time in the library and fooling around in the gymnasium with the other kids. I also tried to use the time to read books about how to make friends and influence people. I desperately wanted to find me…who I was, what I stood for and so on. It was during this period of exploration that I met Hamish. Hamish was a cool and very confident guy. We seemed to have hit it off straight away…I discovered that despite his open show of self confidence and bravado he was somewhat shy and introverted. Nonetheless he was a good laugh, with a hearty sense of humour and prone to take pot shots at himself at every opportunity.
We did quite a lot together, Hamish and I, for once I thought I had landed a friend, someone I could share my toys, games, ideas, dreams and thoughts with. Someone I could confide in and who would confide in me. One day we were chatting about the girls at school and the ones we had admired, respected or were attracted to. It came as no surprise when Angel’s name came up that he too had a heavy crush on her but no courage to chat to her. Besides, he said, ‘she had a boyfriend’! I felt compelled to correct his ill advised statement meant to tarnish an archangel’s reputation. I retorted, ‘No she doesn’t… she does not have a boyfriend!!’ In his usual cool and deliberate style, Hamish replied, ‘Oh yes she does…his name is Stephan!’
Well that hit me like a truck! I had never expected to hear the apple of my eye was kissing anybody, let alone Stephan, the school hunk! I felt so let down I could cry…How could I have not known…How could I have not suspected…was I so naïve or was I in denial? That news really hurt and I got to thinking…Life Sucks!! Ram Goat
