I am writing to you from Barbados to ask for some advice regarding my son and his wife. I am 58 and my son and his wife are both in their mid-thirties, they have two small children together aged 7 and 5. The thing is my son’s wife has never seemed to like our family, only my son and has never made any real effort with us. We have family gathering’s and she either makes her excuses not to come or she keeps herself to herself and puts pressure on my son asking when they’re going.
The only time we really get to see the grandchildren is when she calls us, always at the last moment asking us to look after the children when she has somewhere to go. And we do this because we love the children and never know when we’re to see them next. Over the years she’s said and behaved in some really nasty ways but we put up with it for the sake of our son, because we know he must love and care for her as he will never hear a bad word said against her as he says that she’s the mother of his children. But what must this be doing to him? Can you make any sense of this situation, because we can’t seem to.
Bernadette
Hello Bernadette and thanks for your letter. Sadly the situation you find yourself in is not uncommon. It seems as though many are also experiencing your sadness and disbelief at similar personal situations. From the point of view of your daughter in-law I’ll never understand why she would seek to want to hurt and disrespect the mother and father of the man she loves and has two children with, and although there are two sides to every story the fact that you’ve taken the time to write to me and still speak no words of malice towards her let me know that you are a good person.
Only she will know, and I can only guess that maybe she feels some envy towards the relationship her husband and your son has with you his parents. Maybe growing up she never experienced such unconditional love and needs someone to make feel bad for it. Hurt disappointment and anger can manifest in many different ways in different people. And she definitely seems to be acting some unresolved issues out, but at the expense of everybody else’s happiness is wrong. I would suggest that you try to talk with her one-on-one, explain to her how you feel and see if it makes a difference. And what of your son? I understand that he’s in a difficult position and wants to please both his parents and his wife, but if he chooses the side of his wife then that is his right, but maybe it would do everybody well if he stood up to her and challenged her attitude and behaviour.
Again I would suggest if you haven’t done so already that you speak with your son one-on-one and voice your concerns regarding your daughter in-law’s attitude, your grandchildren and how the unholy situation is affecting everyone. If after doing this, nothing changes then I’m afraid that you might just have to accept the situation as it stands knowing that you tried your best and sometimes we have to accept that some people are just too difficult to deal with and sadly will never change. Love those grandchildren, they need you.
